Irish jokes, wit and bull

Many of the jokes, wit and bull were taken from the book "Irish Wit" by Sean McCann (ISBN 0 8627 8227 9) by The O'Brien Press, Dublin.

In case of a fire do not use the lifts - try a fire extinguisher.
Don't let worry kill you - the church can help.
Headline in a news paper: Man denies committing suicide.
Persons prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
The village doesn't have an oldest inhabitant. He died six month ago.
Louis XIV asked Count Mahoney if he understood Italian: "Yes, please, Your Majesty, if it's spoken in Irish."
Notice on an Irish railway bridge: Trains stopping on this bridge to move at the rate of not more than four miles an hour.
Sir Biylo Roche: "Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
"The landlord told me, he's raising the rent" - "Great, 'Cos there is no way we can."
The discussion in court was about a fatal dose of poison given to a horse. Lord Morris was on the bench: "The twelve grains you gave," he said to the doctor, "wouldn't that kill the devil himself if he swallowed it?" - "I don't know, my lord, I have never prescribed for him." - "Ah, no, doctor, indeed you haven't - the ould boy is still alive."
Asked for a weather forecast, an Irish man replied: "If you can see those mountains, it soon will be raining. If you cannot see them it's already raining."
"Have you anyone in court who can vouch for your reputation?" asked the judge. "Indeed I have," replied the accused, "the Chief Constable." The police chief was amazed: "I don't know this man," he protested. "There you are, sir, I've lived in the same district as the Chief Constable for twenty years and he doesn't even know me ... isn't that recommendation enough?"
A friend who asked O'Connell for his autograph got his hand-written reply: "Sir, I never send autographs, Your, Daniel O'Connell."
There was the old club man in St. Stephen's Green who always drank his whiskey with eyes closed. Asked to explain his strange habit he said: "It's like this, whenever I see a glass of whiskey my mouth waters and I don't care to dilute it."
Arriving around midnight at a pub in Newmarket-on-Fergus the surprised visitor found the place still doing a great trade. "When do you close?" he asked the publican. "I would say about the middle of November."
Louis XIV once complained that his notorious Irish Brigade gave him more trouble that all his army put together. One of the officers spoke up: "Please, your Majesty, your enemies make just the same complaint about us."
Someone threw a head of cabbage at an Irish politician while he was making a speech. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!"
Once a young actress debuted in one of George Bernard Shaws plays with great success. He sent her a telegram: "Great! Fantastic!" and modestly she replied "Don't mention it". GBS cabled again "I meant the play" and got the reply "Me too".

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